Going... To Be Parents!
It's been a few months since we have written here. Lately we haven't "gone" on many adventures, because God gave us a new adventure to start. And this adventure kept me on the couch for a few weeks at the end of summer.
I'm feeling in a reflective mood today, so please allow some thinking/processing/remembering here. Also, a little disclaimer. Everyone's story is different. Some people have it "better" and some much, much "worse". If you really look, your life is somewhere in the middle. Mine is too. Please hear me when I tell you that my story is not the most anything. But it has meant something to me.
My heart has wanted babies since I was barely older than a baby myself. My childhood and adolescent journals are filled with lists of the names of my future children, when they would be born, what activities they would participate in, and all kinda of other really extra details. Never mind that I had no idea who my husband would be, what names he would like, or really much of anything else. Motherhood was the highest calling in my heart and mind, and I spent so much time dreaming about what being a mom would be like some day.
After getting married, Aaron and I were excited to spend some time as a family of two and then try to add to our little family. But our timing is not God's. Instead of saying, "Whenever you're ready Gundels, I'll expand your family", He said "Not quite yet". That was frustrating and scary and lonely. We struggled with infertility for a year and a half. I know many people wait longer than that. Our story is not extraordinary, but it's ours. There were days when I felt guilty. Days of self-pity. Moments of longing and weeks of sadness. I felt stupid for dreaming all those years, and faithless for doubting. This struggle was not out there for everyone to see, but it seemed like I had a sign on my forehead that said: No baby. I will let you know if the time ever comes.
God is faithful. And I know He's faithful even if our story didn't take the next turn.
In the late summer, we found out that I was pregnant. Aaron and I were relieved, thankful, ecstatic, joyful, and amazed! My heart also felt this weird way. I thought... why couldn't God have just told me? Told me when it was going to happen. Told me that it was going to happen. If He had just told me "yes" and when, I could have handled this season much better. Have you ever had a situation like this? All I wanted was to know if and when. But, I also know God doesn't work like that. He gives abundant opportunities to practice trust.
For a few months, Bundle (our Bundle of Gundel) was a very sweet secret kept between just Aaron and me.
In early October, the time came to announce to family and then friends and all. Sharing the news was special. We are grateful for all the excitement, for all the support, and for all the prayers of people who care.
Fast forward to November 2018. I am still pregnant. Bundle's heart is beating. He or she is the size of a sweet potato! Aaron is reading to Bundle nightly. We praise God for an answer to prayer! I love feeling my expanding belly, trying to decide if I can feel him/her moving around in there. We will answer any question and talk about our excitement any time.
But I also have this new... worry. New fear. If God has taught me anything in these past five years, it's that I have no control over my own life. He gives and He takes away. He does all in love, but I don't get to choose the huge things that I want to control. Those are His call.
I tend to catastrophize. What if something happens to Bundle? Now that everyone knows, I will have to tell everyone what happened and live it over and over and over again. I imagine the worst and I trap myself in this web of anxiety. I am sitting in this web often these days.
Being grateful and amazed and overjoyed while also being fearful and concerned is a strange place to be. But, a wise mom friend told me the other day, "The moment you get that positive pregnancy test, you're a mom in your heart. And there will always be a dizzying combination of joy and fear as a mom. That dizzy is what keeps us holding on to our good Father."
I hang on to those words every day. I remind myself that whatever happens with this little Gundel family, now and down the road, God can be trusted. Come fear, come joy, come a little girl or a little boy. God did it. God will continue doing the best. God writes beautiful stories.
I'm feeling in a reflective mood today, so please allow some thinking/processing/remembering here. Also, a little disclaimer. Everyone's story is different. Some people have it "better" and some much, much "worse". If you really look, your life is somewhere in the middle. Mine is too. Please hear me when I tell you that my story is not the most anything. But it has meant something to me.
My heart has wanted babies since I was barely older than a baby myself. My childhood and adolescent journals are filled with lists of the names of my future children, when they would be born, what activities they would participate in, and all kinda of other really extra details. Never mind that I had no idea who my husband would be, what names he would like, or really much of anything else. Motherhood was the highest calling in my heart and mind, and I spent so much time dreaming about what being a mom would be like some day.
After getting married, Aaron and I were excited to spend some time as a family of two and then try to add to our little family. But our timing is not God's. Instead of saying, "Whenever you're ready Gundels, I'll expand your family", He said "Not quite yet". That was frustrating and scary and lonely. We struggled with infertility for a year and a half. I know many people wait longer than that. Our story is not extraordinary, but it's ours. There were days when I felt guilty. Days of self-pity. Moments of longing and weeks of sadness. I felt stupid for dreaming all those years, and faithless for doubting. This struggle was not out there for everyone to see, but it seemed like I had a sign on my forehead that said: No baby. I will let you know if the time ever comes.
God is faithful. And I know He's faithful even if our story didn't take the next turn.
In the late summer, we found out that I was pregnant. Aaron and I were relieved, thankful, ecstatic, joyful, and amazed! My heart also felt this weird way. I thought... why couldn't God have just told me? Told me when it was going to happen. Told me that it was going to happen. If He had just told me "yes" and when, I could have handled this season much better. Have you ever had a situation like this? All I wanted was to know if and when. But, I also know God doesn't work like that. He gives abundant opportunities to practice trust.
For a few months, Bundle (our Bundle of Gundel) was a very sweet secret kept between just Aaron and me.
In early October, the time came to announce to family and then friends and all. Sharing the news was special. We are grateful for all the excitement, for all the support, and for all the prayers of people who care.
Fast forward to November 2018. I am still pregnant. Bundle's heart is beating. He or she is the size of a sweet potato! Aaron is reading to Bundle nightly. We praise God for an answer to prayer! I love feeling my expanding belly, trying to decide if I can feel him/her moving around in there. We will answer any question and talk about our excitement any time.
But I also have this new... worry. New fear. If God has taught me anything in these past five years, it's that I have no control over my own life. He gives and He takes away. He does all in love, but I don't get to choose the huge things that I want to control. Those are His call.
I tend to catastrophize. What if something happens to Bundle? Now that everyone knows, I will have to tell everyone what happened and live it over and over and over again. I imagine the worst and I trap myself in this web of anxiety. I am sitting in this web often these days.
Being grateful and amazed and overjoyed while also being fearful and concerned is a strange place to be. But, a wise mom friend told me the other day, "The moment you get that positive pregnancy test, you're a mom in your heart. And there will always be a dizzying combination of joy and fear as a mom. That dizzy is what keeps us holding on to our good Father."
I hang on to those words every day. I remind myself that whatever happens with this little Gundel family, now and down the road, God can be trusted. Come fear, come joy, come a little girl or a little boy. God did it. God will continue doing the best. God writes beautiful stories.
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